Office building: Arriving at work without depression

I can’t stay at home. My son arrives at 2 PM and I find it hard to work once she is home. My daughter arrives at 4 PM and then it’s impossible to work. So I end up with a really short workday, plus I see no-one besides the Zoom chats.

On the other hand, it’s hard to arrive at work and not get depressed, even before anyone talked to me. Just arriving at the big skyscraper is depressing.

How can you cope with the cold buildings? Nothing captures your heart there. You can’t even feel sad. You put music, but it doesn’t touch you.

Depression sets in. I just want to go home. This happens every time. Cameras are watching me. Today the secretary told me she saw me on the camera in the kitchen. Fucking hell. This is depressing.

I’ll take the advice I heard somewhere and try to find a solution by moving slow. Maybe imagine the building is being destroyed like the stoics picturing all the bad things that might happen to them.

If only someone would tell me what to do. I feel like being a kid again. Having someone tell me what today’s lesson is about. Giving me some exercises. I can’t work by myself. Not gonna happen. I can just do one thing. Write. Why did I pick this job? Obviously, for the money. But I could have been a programmer. Given a problem, write code to fix it. Sounds sweet.

I feel impotent. Maybe that’s why I have such a big libido because it compensates for the feeling at work.

Is it capitalism and the hatred of the destruction of the world that causes me to subconsciously not be able to work?